This is going to get a little emotional.
I’ve been living my days in quite a daze, lately. My situations go into extremes, I’m either really busy and enjoying life too much to bother with my blog or social media, or I’m in a slump where I’m feeling slightly depressed, and I end up spending my days on auto-pilot. I can’t ever seem to find the balance between.
Right at this very moment, I received a Twitter DM from Katrina asking me if it was okay to post an entry she had written about me on Tumblr. I said of course. I read her post, and it instantly made my chest hurt. In a good way.
You see, lately I’ve been feeling some sort of emotional struggle about myself. I’m feeling lost. I’m questioning who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and I’m feeling like despite all this, the constant good things that happen to me aren’t something I really deserve. And for some reason, these feelings were magnified today more than the others. Katrina’s post could not have come at a better time. It’s like the Universe sent out an SOS and she threw me life saver.
And then I came to accept the truth of the matter: I had the “Imposter Syndrome”, a term which I randomly came about on the internet months before.
Imposter Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
I didn’t recognize it then, but looking back at all the missed opportunities because I was afraid of failing whoever I’d be working with, days where I felt so down about myself because I felt like I didn’t deserve any of the good things happening to me, and always using the phrase “I got lucky” when describing my achievements, even going as far as doubting compliments being given to me thinking people were just lying — it only started to make so much sense, I was dealing with this syndrome. And now that I’ve recognized it and have come to accept it, I can start getting better at how I deal with myself.
This has really affected me negatively, to the point where my work is getting affected by it. I want to apologize for the lack of quality posts on my blog lately. I’m working extra hard to get out of this slump and really get things back in order. I hope you guys will continue to stick around with me, because truly this blog and you guys are on my top 5 priority list. :-)
I hope everyone is having an okay Sunday, mine was spent with Gab, went to hear mass and then had dinner with his parents — which involved a little bit of talk on politics (They explained to me what the deal was on the whole DAP and President Aquino situation… You truly do learn new things everyday! Haha).
Have a great week ahead, my Wildlings <3