On Self-portraits & Body Image Issues
A self-portrait shoot happened outside my room today. I don't remember the last time I did self-portraits. I just remember I stopped... Come to think of it, I think I stopped because I hardly ever liked how I looked in some photos. Sometimes I hate having my photos taken (even if it's just me taking them for myself) for anything because my body isn't skinny nor model-material... But a lot of the time I do allow myself to be part of photoshoots because it's part of my work as a full-time blogger. I've had photographer friends ask to shoot me for their portfolios or for fun and I'd decline because I'm just not comfortable enough. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm okay with doing shoots for magazines/brands because there will be a Photoshop team to get rid of the unattractive bits or keep things looking tighter... Although I never ask if they do Photoshop, and I don't really want to know if they ever do Photoshop me. And if they did, I'd understand why and I'm not entirely against it so long as I still look like me.
My insecurity has gotten to a point where I don't even do self-portraits anymore because I'm afraid of what I would think of myself after I've seen the photos. It was never about other people. I was my own worst critic. How the heck did I get to this point after years of preaching self-love and acceptance? I felt like an utter hypocrite. I decided that I missed the old me and I needed to bring back my old self again -- so I set up my tripod, did my hair and makeup & shot myself.
HolyskullOfficial sent me their new swimsuit and I decided to use it for today's shoot. I put it on and lo and behold there goes my side-boobs threatening to pop out and oops my ass is hanging out. And ew, look at all the cellulite! Nothing denim shorts can't fix. I wasn't planning on wearing just the swimsuit anyway. At least I look slightly better and you can't really tell where I'm squishy and plumpy at all. Hey, whatever works, right?
I do struggle with body image issues most of the time sometimes. It's weird because there are days I'm totally and completely comfortable with myself, and then there are days where I just can't stand what I see in front of the mirror. There will be times where I'll think, "Okay, this is it. You need to start eating healthier and working out because it's what's good for your body. No more excuses. Your flabs are gross and they need to go. Start working out." And I'll get so motivated, I'll download fitness videos to follow, and then I'll start for about a week and everything is going okay, but I just can't get around to keep doing it. I never find the motivation, even if I choose healthy fit women as my "fitspirations", my brain will always find excuses to skip working out that day. I used to get hate messages on my ask.fm about how I'm fat or I've gained weight but they just make me laugh because why is my weight THEIR problem? It should be mine, and I wish the hate mail WOULD affect me because maybe then I'd find the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it but... I just can't/won't. I think it's simply because I don't enjoy working out or any of it. I don't get the endorphin rush most fitness girls claim to get either. I'm convinced you're all liars.
I'm not a skinny girl. I'm a skinny fat girl. It's a legit thing. And as I get older, I find it's easier to gain weight even though I don't stuff my face 24/7. My metabolism is slowing down, and sometimes my food choices are just not entirely healthy. I enjoy eating good tasty food too much to quit eating rice, inihaw na liempo, the yummy burgers from Burger King, Chicken Nuggets from McDonald's and oh god Potato Corner Fries!!!!!! (Ugh. Why was I not born as Kendall Jenner?)
Anyway, I decided that today wouldn't be one of those "I hate my body" days, so I put on the revealing swimsuit from HolyskullOfficial, paired it with denim high waist shorts and just embraced my ~*~inner goddess~*~ Of course, I picked and chose which photos made it to the cut, and I'm glad to say only 5-8 didn't because they were the initial test shots I did or they were repeat expressions and virtually looked like the other photos. Mind you, just because these photos made it to the cut, doesn't mean I like every single one of them. I actually nit picked at myself for a few of them with very negative remarks on my end but I thought, "How I see myself isn't necessarily how people see me." and I hope you remember this should you ever find yourself criticizing you. [Tweet ""How I see myself isn't necessarily how people see me.""]
Everyone has insecurities they deal with and this happens to be one of mine. I know I'm not alone, because nearly every girl deals with this shit. But I'm working on it, and hopefully I'll find the motivation to really beat my insecurities and the unhealthy/unfit lifestyle I live ... Soon.
Were you ever like me? How did you find the motivation to finally get fit?