On demotivation & welcoming 2018 with a hopeful heart
I've cracked open a notebook I originally bought as a brain dump for content/business ideas this coming 2018, to write down a first journal entry for the year. The first paragraph says:
"I'm 27. I'm married to my best friend of six years. We live in New York. Never did I really think I'd be here writing this, and yet here I am. This is where I'm at in life. It feels surreal. I'm not sure if it's because I've never truly believed in myself or it feels surreal in the way your dreams finally coming true feels surreal."
As a kid and teenager, I didn't plan for anything else in my life except to move somewhere foreign but not unfamiliar to me. New York City was always there in the back of my mind, telling me it was the place I needed to be eventually, to just get there. But that was it, I didn't plan for anything else after that. Which is quite nice, I suppose, to just go with the flow of life and not really plan it out but now I feel like I've hit a wall, a wall with a mirror and my reflection staring back at me asking myself, "Okay, now what?" It's like everything I've really done was to get to this point, and now that I'm here, I'm lost.
I had moved to a new city excited about the prospect of boundless opportunities. I looked at NYC as the solution to my problems. I thought that once I moved here, my life would change. I thought I would wake up one day and just be magically bursting with so much motivation and inspiration because I was in freaking New York! And yet, here I am, waking up on most days past 11AM, staying in bed until 2PM, only getting up because my stomach is forcing me to grab something to eat -- I'm in a no less different position as how I was back home. Different cities, but same old shit. I had so much excuses, I blamed my laziness on the winter weather, "It's too cold to do anything!" I'd whine, or blame the fact that I had no money to go out and explore... which is pathetic because I didn't need money to get up and be productive!
On the morning of Christmas eve, I laid in bed under the warmth of my comforter, phone in hand scrolling through twitter, I saw a tweet that just hit me like a school bus:
My therapist told me that she doesn't like using the word lazy cause no one's really lazy, just demotivated. The vocabulary we use to explain our behaviour is important. Lazy ends the conversation and promotes self hate. Demotivated suggests there's a source and it can be fixed— Shahira (@nypafruticans) December 24, 2017
The truth is, 2017 wasn't the only year I spent demotivated. I've been demotivated for years, and it has progressively gotten worse. I agree with the sentiment in the above tweet that lazy ends the conversation and promotes self-hate. I've beaten myself up over it for so long, and I can conjure all the lamest excuses in the world but the fact of the matter is I'm unmotivated because something is lacking, that something is what I want to figure out this year.
I've gotten increasingly unmotivated to:
- Blog/write more
- Create consistent content on YouTube
- Edit videos on time
- Take photos for the fun and art of it
- Regularly do something art related like illustrate/paint
The thing is, I know I have it in me to be productive... I just can't figure out why I can't be consistent enough to keep at it. I don't even know why I'm writing this blog post right now but I figured I needed a place to share all of my thoughts and maybe get some two cents from those of you who still hang around and read my blog. (Thank you, by the way, for still bothering despite me only updating this a total of maybe 5 times the past year) I guess I'm also kind of hoping I'm not alone in this and someone can share their experience as well.
I've been giving this a lot of thought and figured that the only way to get out of this weird funk is to acknowledge there's a problem (which I am now), and just actively being self-aware that I need to get up and do something with my life. I don't think there's a life hack or a magical shortcut to get around this. I just need to get up and do something, anything, even if inspiration doesn't strike me. If I wait for inspiration to strike, then I'll never get anywhere in life. I need to get off my ass and just inspire myself to keep going.
For 2018, my goals are pretty simple:
- Do something daily that keeps me productive (write, read 1-2 chapters of a book, draw something)
- Eat to fuel my body, not because of boredom
- Be more active -- walk to places instead of taking public transport (this is starting to get easier as time goes by)
- Be more mindful of others
- Be more mindful of what I post on social media
- Be more responsible with money
- Make more money so I don't always have to be responsible with money (probably one of the biggest motivators! Haha)
- Talk more with family
I'm feeling really hopeful for this new year, especially since I'm in a whole new city where the opportunities really are boundless. There's so much to see, do, experience -- I just have to keep remembering that NYC has always been here, and it's been waiting for me. And the only thing keeping myself from living life is, well, myself. So, here's to a new year, a new kind of hope, a new city to call my home. The great thing about hitting a wall is that you don't have to stay there, just turn around and go another way -- and that's what 2018 is to me.
Happiest new year to you guys! I sincerely do hope we all approach this new year with motivation to do better for ourselves and live our best lives. <3